Hi lards one and all,

Thought I'd spend a few moments with you all this evening to
recount a yarn...

My plans for monster marrow growing continue (sound of lards 
moving on to the edge of their seats and Jacks sighing) - my
'man in Old Colwyn' (Smith - whereszatden?) continues to spill
the secrets of stupendous marrow growth and I am preparing
CraysPond for the Beast... Procedure so far has involved a
good deal of Horse Poo, various types of soil and half a 
dustbin.  Sparing you the details, (hur hur hur - they wish!)
I've dug a big 'ole, put in the poo, put on some more soil,
got my half-dustbin,

	[ Jacks : Have you seen the dustbin anywhere Jon?

	  Jon :   What was it you wanted for your birthday again
                  Love, just the ONE brand-new-extortionate-
                  I'd-make-it-myself-out-of-rope-given-half-a-
                  chance rein for Harvey, or was it two?

          Jacks (suitably distracted, and head full of swishing
          horse tails in buttercup meadows) :
                  Oh, yesterday Harvey was so... ]

plonked it on top and filled it with more poo/soil/compost mix.

I couldn't get hold of any calcified seaweed (oh yes, levels the 
pH don't you know, but most of you being post-doctoral chemists 'n all
you've probably become utterly bamboozled with such organophoshate-
tomfoolery [Email system beeps in pain as 5 different mails thump home
telling me exactly what an organophoshate is, and how it differs
from Biphenylchlorides] [I love Chemistry, you can make up such great
words]) but I'm sure it'll be alright.

Feeling COMPLETELY chuffed with my newly created marrow penthouse suite
I go to bed a happy man.  Sadly, (you knew something was coming didn't you)
the next day I discover that our cats do not view my creation in 
QUITE the same light.  No.  In fact to them it's not a golden spired marrow
pedestal - fit to nurture the greatest marrow known to South Oxfordshire to
record-breaking proportions. No. To them, it's the ultimate KITTY-LOO!!!

[   Blackberry   : Hey, Dandelion, come check this out...
    Dandelion    : What's up Bruv?
    Blackberry   : I don't know what it is, but all my cat-sense tells me that
                   it offers the finest site for a dump in the whole garden.
    Dandelion    : What about this shrew's intestine that I'm currently arranging
                   on the hall floor?
    Blackberry   : Hey forget it man - leave it to early morning when they'll
                   step on it barefoot.  I'm telling you, this has gotta be
                   dumped on.
    Dendelion    : Cool - let's do it.
    Cat next door: Meiow.
                   (Note totally unbiased perception of next-door cat's
                    intelligence.)
]

DOH !!

Let's just say I now have a hitherto unplanned-for organophosphate as
part of my preparations...

Take care all,

Jonnnieeeee.